31 December 2016

Another Childless Year

After a year with many doctor's appointments, enough blood work that I wonder how there's any blood even left in me, and more negative pregnancy tests than one should ever have to see, it only seems fitting to end 2016 with a follicle check and blood work.
The doctor's office this morning was filled with women and couples who all glance around with the same blank, hopeless stare.

No one makes eye contact. If you make eye contact, you might have to smile, or worse, talk to someone. And, yet, as I wait for my name to be called, I wonder about these women. These couples. I wonder what their story is. What tests have they had done? How long have they been trying to conceive? The questions go on and on.

We all have something in common though. As we ring in the new year tonight, we are hoping and praying that 2017 brings a positive pregnancy test, a full-term pregnancy, a happy, healthy baby. We're hoping that we've spent our last Christmas without a child of our own.

We're hoping that our infertility journey is over.

Infertility is not an easy walk.

It can feel very lonely, and incredibly desolate.

What's easy is to type up a list of all the questions and wonderings, and complaints about how life isn't fair. Because you know what, it's not.

As I think about the end of another childless year, however, I can't help but remind myself of all the things I'm thankful for, and for the reminder that God's plans are not wrong, and they don't forget.

Friend, there is hope. This could be your year. The year you become a mama.

When you're feeling your worst, jot down a few things your thankful for. Pray someone else.

I'm praying for you, and I wish you well in 2017!




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7 comments:

  1. We went through many pregnancy losses before adopting our daughter. You shared your heart and you are not alone. My best advice...desires. Find fun things for you and hubby. In fact, maybe even take a break for fun. The more focused you are, the more stressed you become. Sending cyber hugs and positive thoughts.
    Carla

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  2. From one Theresa to another: I pray for you and women like you. Stay strong, sister.

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  3. I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing I pray you get your miracle in the new year!

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  4. Theresa, I was looking for a read aloud for New Years, and I stumbled across your site. Then, I was trying to find what grade you taught, and instead I found your broken heart. I immediately connected with you. I was you 12 and 1/2 years ago. Everyone around me was having babies, everyone, except me. I even began to dread Mother's Day, because I felt like such a failure. My husband and I had tried everything we could afford to try, and nothing. Unexplained fertility...BUT IT WASN'T UNEXPLAINED TO GOD. He knew my heart, and He knows yours too. My pastor's wife asked to pray and fast with me. In the beginning, I think I was praying and fasting to convince God to do what I wanted Him to do...let me be pregnant. But as time went on, God began to do a mighty work in both me and my husband. We had a couple families in our church who had adopted babies. I held one little girl week after week, and God showed me that I COULD fall in love with a child that I had not given birth to. My husband and I began to take classes to become licensed to foster (and adopt). Miraculously, a few days after receiving our license, we also received a call about a baby that was to be born in just six weeks! This was our baby, I just knew it! Our sweet girl was born six weeks later. We met her when she was 24 hours old and brought her home from the hospital the next day. When I think back to how broken I was and how badly I wanted to be a mommy, and when I think of how God took my brokenness and gave me and my husband such a wonderful gift, I am forever in awe. I tell my daughter all the time that she is my evidence of how much God loves me and how HE DID NOT FORGET ME. I do not think, though, that I am any more special to Him than you (or anyone else). I believe He must have some wonderful plan in store for you too. Sometimes, we just have to wait longer for Him to reveal His plan. Theresa, know that He holds your heart in His hands and He has a plan for you too. Be open to His ways, they really are better than ours. May you and your husband have a miraculous year! I will be watching your site for updates! Love you....Suzanne

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  5. Theresa, I was looking for a read aloud for New Years, and I stumbled across your site. Then, I was trying to find what grade you taught, and instead I found your broken heart. I immediately connected with you. I was you 12 and 1/2 years ago. Everyone around me was having babies, everyone, except me. I even began to dread Mother's Day, because I felt like such a failure. My husband and I had tried everything we could afford to try, and nothing. Unexplained fertility...BUT IT WASN'T UNEXPLAINED TO GOD. He knew my heart, and He knows yours too. My pastor's wife asked to pray and fast with me. In the beginning, I think I was praying and fasting to convince God to do what I wanted Him to do...let me be pregnant. But as time went on, God began to do a mighty work in both me and my husband. We had a couple families in our church who had adopted babies. I held one little girl week after week, and God showed me that I COULD fall in love with a child that I had not given birth to. My husband and I began to take classes to become licensed to foster (and adopt). Miraculously, a few days after receiving our license, we also received a call about a baby that was to be born in just six weeks! This was our baby, I just knew it! Our sweet girl was born six weeks later. We met her when she was 24 hours old and brought her home from the hospital the next day. When I think back to how broken I was and how badly I wanted to be a mommy, and when I think of how God took my brokenness and gave me and my husband such a wonderful gift, I am forever in awe. I tell my daughter all the time that she is my evidence of how much God loves me and how HE DID NOT FORGET ME. I do not think, though, that I am any more special to Him than you (or anyone else). I believe He must have some wonderful plan in store for you too. Sometimes, we just have to wait longer for Him to reveal His plan. Theresa, know that He holds your heart in His hands and He has a plan for you too. Be open to His ways, they really are better than ours. May you and your husband have a miraculous year! I will be watching your site for updates! Love you....Suzanne

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  6. Found your site and wanted you to know that you are not alone. Although we have not been trying for too long, we experienced an early loss right before Christmas. So hard to be happy and feel fulfilled when you see all of the memories being created by the families around you. I wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through and would love to chat about our journey to motherhood if you ever need a teacher friend to discuss with. Sending many prayers your way, as I know that 2017 is THE year!

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