31 December 2016

Another Childless Year

After a year with many doctor's appointments, enough blood work that I wonder how there's any blood even left in me, and more negative pregnancy tests than one should ever have to see, it only seems fitting to end 2016 with a follicle check and blood work.
The doctor's office this morning was filled with women and couples who all glance around with the same blank, hopeless stare.

No one makes eye contact. If you make eye contact, you might have to smile, or worse, talk to someone. And, yet, as I wait for my name to be called, I wonder about these women. These couples. I wonder what their story is. What tests have they had done? How long have they been trying to conceive? The questions go on and on.

We all have something in common though. As we ring in the new year tonight, we are hoping and praying that 2017 brings a positive pregnancy test, a full-term pregnancy, a happy, healthy baby. We're hoping that we've spent our last Christmas without a child of our own.

We're hoping that our infertility journey is over.

Infertility is not an easy walk.

It can feel very lonely, and incredibly desolate.

What's easy is to type up a list of all the questions and wonderings, and complaints about how life isn't fair. Because you know what, it's not.

As I think about the end of another childless year, however, I can't help but remind myself of all the things I'm thankful for, and for the reminder that God's plans are not wrong, and they don't forget.

Friend, there is hope. This could be your year. The year you become a mama.

When you're feeling your worst, jot down a few things your thankful for. Pray someone else.

I'm praying for you, and I wish you well in 2017!

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23 December 2016

The Mom Life Forgot About Me

You've seen them. Shirts, mugs, bumper stickers, memes, magnets...the message is the same:

I didn't choose the mom life, the mom life chose me.

But what happens if the mom life didn't choose me?
This would be so much easier if I told you I didn't want to be a mom. But that's someone else's story.

Yesterday, was Christmas Eve Eve. I spent my morning having an "Ovary Check" done to make sure I was ready to start another round of fertility treatment. At this point, they're routine for me. My husband came with me, which is a rare treat. Usually my appointment are schedule when he's working, and because there's so many of them, he isn't able to come.

My ovaries proved ready, and I was on the way to drop off my Letrozole prescription, listening to my new favorite Christmas CD #pentatonixcanibeinyourgroup, and I burst into tears.

This Christmas marks 6 Christmases together with my husband. It also marks 5 Christmases that I've spent not holding my own precious gift. Five Christmases when I would gladly give up all the presents in the world, to be holding my own bundle of joy.

I would give up my silent nights to hear the crying of a child who would one day call me mom, mommy, mama.

Why me? Did the mom life forget about me? Am I not good enough? What mistakes have I made that meant I was undeserving? Why can't I be one of those women who doesn't want to be a mom?

My infertility story, is riddled with questions, and not so many answers. But you know, what? I'm not alone. There are more couples than care to admit that they are also in the ever emotional boat.

Friend, if you are in this boat, please know that you're not alone.

Somewhere there is a woman who longs to have the mom life choose her.

She wants to gift her husband the news of telling him he's going to be a dad.

She wants to know what it's like to have a baby's first Christmas ornament hanging from her tree.

She wants to buy  jammies that say adorable things like "Santa's Little Helper" or "My 1st Christmas."

About a year ago, I stumbled upon Waiting for Baby Bird and Elisha has so many good posts that speak right to my heart!

One of my favorites is her Guide to the Holidays - she has some great tips for helping navigate the infertile waters at a difficult time of year.

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